Finality...

I need to write just to work out some feelings. Bear with me.

I don't know what to do with death. Then again, there's absolutely nothing I can do, which makes it worse. I know this sounds dumb, but the finality of it makes me feel like I'm going to implode.

I've been back at Casa for a few days because we are in Mardi Gras break right now. Actually we got to come home early because the university closed at one on Thursday because it was snowing. But we left before it really starting "sticking." Anyway, so I'm back at work and I was looking at LJ's (in case you don't know, he was a really good friend of mine who passed away this summer) ribbon on the hostess stand (he also worked at Casa on and off for a few years) and saw that it's all crushed and terrible looking, so I've been planning to redo it and make it yellow, which was his favorite color.

I feel self-centered saying this, but that was amazingly hard for me this summer. I'm not at all saying that it's harder for me than anyone else, but I've been really lucky and hadn't lost anyone close to me until then, so it was more than shocking. I had no clue what to do. I still don't, really. I think part of it was the suddenness of it. He died by hitting a pole in a curve in the road at 3 AM, 5 days before his 21st birthday. No one was ready for that.

Even worse was that we were so close for years, but not so much at the end. I mean, I still knew him better than most, but his life had taken a very different path from mine, and even though we were back working together this summer, we couldn't talk like we always had before.

Tonight, I had been trying to figure out what to do with the bow, and I texted his mom to tell her about it, making sure it was OK, so that was just on my mind. When I got home, my mom told me about someone else who died. Earlier in the summer, a man who I worked with when I was younger passed away. Tonight, his wife died at 44.

I just feel overwhelmed with sadness. And the fact that there's nothing at all that I can do just outrages me. Sometimes I think I should be over losing my friend by now, then it makes me mad that I thought that.

This turned out a little more depressing than I intended. I'm sorry for that. I just needed to write, and since I have this now, I figure I should use it.

Goodnight.